Co-parenting with a Toxic Ex by Amy J. L. Baker

Author:Amy J. L. Baker
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781608829606
Publisher: New Harbinger Publications
Published: 2014-04-09T16:00:00+00:00

You might want to mention to your child that you’re willing to discuss the details of the accusation (if appropriate) once she has calmed down and is feeling better. If it’s not appropriate to discuss the details, you might want to say, “Sometimes when moms and dads divorce, they don’t always agree about how to share the (money, time, furniture), and if they can’t agree, the judge can help them work it out. You don’t need to worry about this; that’s what the judge is for. But let me reassure you that I have not (insert the specific thing you’re being accused of).” The purpose of this statement is to remove your child from the middle of the conflict without bad-mouthing your ex while reassuring your child that you wouldn’t hurt her in the way that she’s thinking that you have. Avoid statements like “I can’t believe your father told you about this. That was really wrong of him.” If you can discuss the issue without burdening your child, then offer to do so. For example, if your child claims that you didn’t tell your ex about his school play, reassure him that you did, and comment that perhaps you and your ex can improve communication to avoid problems like this in the future. We need to make two critical points here, however. First, discussing the details will be helpful only if your child is receptive. Don’t rush to “make your case” until your child’s emotional needs have been addressed. Second, don’t show your child anything that could be construed as “too much information.” Don’t confide in your child or divulge legal or financial matters. In general, you shouldn’t show your child legal documents like motions or certifications, because doing so could be used against you in court.

A final point about active listening is that it may not result in an immediate thawing of your child’s attitude as seen in the sample dialogue above. So don’t despair if active listening doesn’t seem to work for you, especially the first time you use it. It may be helpful to think about your use of active listening—and all the parenting strategies presented in this book—as a tool to lay the groundwork for a better future for you and your child.

Exercise 5.3: Times When Your Child Did or Said Something That Reflected Your Ex’s Poisonous Message

Think about times when it was clear that your child was receiving poisonous messages about you. (You may want to refer to the first two exercises in this chapter.) How did you respond? See whether you can identify ways to improve your responses to enhance and strengthen your relationship with your child. If you’re co-parenting more than one child, you may want to complete this exercise separately for each child. You can download or print additional copies at http://www.newharbinger.com/29583.

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